There is a lot of bad advice given by counselors who are very sincere in their desire to help their clients but who try to do so without knowledge of God's word. Here is some of the bad advice our group members have received over the years... along with better counsel.

This well-meaning counselor was not aware of the truth of Jesus' statement, "Verily, verily, I say unto you, whosoever committeth sin is the servant of sin." (John 8:34) Just as a servant cannot dictate to his master the terms of his servanthood, so someone in the bondage of sin cannot dictate to sin the terms of his captivity.

This is frequently-used reasoning by secular counselors who are unfamiliar with the power of sexual sin. It ignores Romans 6:21 and 23: "What fruit had ye then in those things whereof ye are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death... The wages of sin is death." This reasoning actually encourages the client to kill himself spiritually, emotionally, and perhaps physically.

Apparently there is nothing harmful about this advice... until we recognize two things:

1. God does not call us to change our behaviors without relying first on His change of our being: "If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, shall appear, then shall ye also appear with him in glory. Mortify therefore your members which are upon the earth..." (Colossians 3:1-5) "Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage." (Ephesians 5:1)
2. God does not call us to act in healthy ways, but in holy ways: "For this is the will of God, even your sanctification (being made holy, set apart), that ye should abstain from fornication." (1 Thessalonians 4:3a) "Healthy" implies something that normally we can achieve; holiness is something that we can receive and manifest only by God's empowering.

"You have to deal with the root cause of this issue: shame."

Shame, or a deep sense of worthlessness or unworthiness, is not the root cause of sexual sin. The root cause is a sin nature in which pride and self-centeredness are firmly entrenched. Until the sin nature is killed with the crucifixion of Jesus Christ and a new life is born manifesting humility and submission to God, there is no hope of destroying the root of this sin. "For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death." (Romans 8:2) Dealing with shame as the root cause, you simply will have a spiritually dead captive to sin who feels good about himself.

A "sobriety contract" can only go as far as the law does: it is good (Romans 7:12), it allows a person to recognize his sin (Romans 7:7), and it is powerless to bring life and freedom from sin, for "the law is spiritual, but I am carnal, sold under sin." (Romans 7:9-11, 14) Only the acceptance of Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior and walking in obedience to His Holy Spirit allows a person to live in freedom from sexual sin. (Romans 8:2)

This advice stems from the fallacy that sexual sin is based in shame. Since a person has a strong sense of shame, the reasoning goes, he must learn to erase his shame by loving himself first.
    In reality, a person who engages in sexual sin loves himself very much! He often is willing to sacrifice nearly anything, anyone, and any amount of money, to pursue his self-centered pleasure. He has a deep love of himself: that is exactly the problem! Jesus tells us in Mark 12:29-31, "The first of all the commandments is, Hear O Israel; the Lord our God is one Lord: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these." The person who engages in sexual sin needs to repent of his self-centered lifestyle and first learn to love God, not learn to love himself. Second, he must learn to love his neighbor as himself: is he willing to make the same extraordinary sacrifices (time, money, relationships, reputation, etc.) for his neighbor that he once made for his own self-centered desires?

"You need to learn how to love yourself / You need to learn how to take care of yourself."

This advice derives from the false belief that sexual sin is rooted in shame. The reasoning goes: pay attention to yourself, demonstrate love to yourself, build up your self-esteem so your sense of shame and unworthiness will be lessened -- then you will have much less motivation to turn to sexual sin. Some people even will support this reasoning with the Bible verse, "Love thy neighbor as thyself," theorizing: you have to love yourself first before you can love others. This counsel falls apart when we realize three things:

1. The root of sexual sin is not shame, but our sin nature. Read the bad counseling statement above: "You have to deal with the root cause of this issue: shame", also see the question, "Are there differences between the terms sexual addiction and sexual sin?"
2. Men who pursue sexual sin already display a tremendous love of themselves. They are willing to risk some of the most precious things they have -- their marriage, family, health, money, career, ministry -- to pursue their self-centered lusts. They have shown an all-consuming capacity to love themselves... now are they willing to love their neighbor to the same extent?
3. The idea, "you must love yourself first before you love others" demonstrates an incomplete knowledge of Scripture. Jesus says, "The first of all commandments is, HEAR O ISRAEL; THE LORD OUR GOD IS ONE LORD: AND THOU SHALT LOVE THE LORD THY GOD WITH ALL THY HEART, AND WITH ALL THY SOUL, AND WITH ALL THY MIND, AND WITH ALL THY STRENGTH: This is the first commandment. And the second is like, namely this, THOU SHALT LOVE THY NEIGHBOR AS THYSELF. There is none other commandment greater than these." (Mark 12:29-31) A man involved in sexual sin, like all other men, must learn to love God, not himself, first.

Sounds great! Anyone would like to develop a relationship with one who already has walked the same path, someone who can be a guide in dealing with sexual sin. But a sponsor who merely repeats the secular ideas and catchy phrases that someone told him, a sponsor who does not have the Bible as his first and foremost guide, though very sincere and well-meaning, may in a very well-meaning way lead you directly into self-delusion. More accurately, you need a sponsor or shepherd who will disciple you with God's word and lead you to how Jesus Christ removes this sin from your heart and displays His own victory over sin in you.

Counselors often give this advice from the AA directive "90 meetings in 90 days." This powerful encouragement can lead to a dramatic change in behavior... without a change of heart. Only Jesus Christ, not a certain number of meetings, can change our hearts, bringing out of us living waters that flow to eternal life. Rather than simply unburdening yourself among a group proposing any range of man-made traditions and non-biblical beliefs, build close relationships with group members who are committed to Jesus Christ and His word.

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