My husband is seeking help, and he gets angry when I ask him how he's doing, or I get angry at his responses. What should I do?
Accountability between a husband and wife dealing with the effects of sexual sin is both necessary (the Lord considers them one body; Genesis 2:24) and potentially explosive. Here are some guidelines that we have found to be helpful:
 | Have well-established accountability guidelines, preferably agreed to with one or two other mature Christians present. These other people would serve as the "one or two more" described in Matthew 18:16 if further confrontation for sexual sin is required. (For a description of this process in more detail, see the question, "I've just discovered my husband's (or son's) sexual sin. Should I question or confront him about this? How?") |
| Choose accountability guidelines that will be beneficial to the relationship. Husband/wife accountability guidelines based on behaviors (not purchasing pornography, no sexual contact outside of marriage) are much more productive than accountability guidelines based on thought life. Accountability over thought life should be dealt with among other mature Christian men. Husband/wife accountability also should include matters which are not sinful in themselves, but which may be part of a husband's pattern leading to sexual sin. (See Accountability guidelines for the Internet, Accountability guidelines for travel, and Accountability guidelines for finances under the section Specific Questions). |
| A husband's primary, regular accountability relationships should be with other mature Christian men who will be able to challenge and encourage him so that he is not hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. (Hebrews 3:13) The better a wife knows and trusts these accountability partners, the less tension there will be in the husband/wife accountability relationship. |
| Pray together before dealing with an accountability issue. Agree together before God to "put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth, lie not to one another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds; and have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of him that created him... Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord." (Colossians 3:8-10, 16) |
| A wife needs to be certain that her questions or reactions are always out of a spirit of meekness with a desire to see her husband restored to a full relationship with her. (For a description of the spirit of meekness in more detail, see the question, "I've just discovered my husband's (or son's) sexual sin. Should I question or confront him about this? How?") |
| A husband's anger may be a sinful response to isolate himself from his wife and cover his sin. She should express her concern to him that his spirit of anger communicates hidden sin, yet she should still relate to him in meekness and gentleness. |
| If a husband becomes unwilling to deal constructively with accountability issues that both he and his wife have agreed to, a wife must invite the "one or two more" described in Matthew 18:16 to confront him also. |
| In being accountable for his actions to his wife, a husband must be honest
and at the same time avoid names of people or specific places (unless these
have been included already in accountability items), fantasies, or graphic
details of sexual or emotional involvement with another. |