"Jesus Christ used His power to break things in my life 
that even counseling and support groups could not destroy."

Manhood and Sexual Behavior

My fascination with sex and attractive women goes back further than I can remember. Some of my earliest memories are from age four, walking in malls and department stores with my mother and watching all of the beautiful women. I hoped some of them might come up and talk to me with a smile or a light touch on my shoulder, or even take me home with them. Somehow at that age I already felt lonely and disconnected from the people around me, and inside I longed for some kind of connection with those beautiful strangers.

So when I saw my first pornographic image at age eight, I was mesmerized. I had been taught that looking at that kind of picture was wrong, but nothing had prepared me for the wave of good feelings that rushed over me. I wanted to be inside the picture and to feel the attention and love of this stunning, desirable woman. And since that was not possible, I did the next best thing, I fantasized about being with her, and I left the door open to seeing pornography again whenever it might be available.

Throughout high school and college, I started living a double life of academic success, athletic achievements, and church attendance mixed with private sexual fantasies and searches for pornography. I fantasized for long stretches of time, creating my own world in which I captured the admiration of every woman I lusted after. I used to feed these fantasies with images from lingerie sections of discarded catalogues or revealing newspaper adds. Sometime I would wait outside convenience stores for an hour or more until just the right moment when no one except the cashier would know I was buying a pornographic magazine.

Dating reflected the double life I was leading. I was sensitive, caring, and really believed that I loved each woman I was dating. At the same time I hid from the realization that I was only using her as an object of my sexual fantasies. Inevitably, when the relationship would not remain centered on fulfilling my sexual desires, I reluctantly would move on to someone else.

I used to worry about my secret obsessions, especially as they grew. Sometimes I bought a magazine which I thought would fulfill all of my sexual desires, but after a few weeks, the pictures were no longer stimulating, and I would seek out something more graphic. My sexual desires consumed more and more time, even causing me to postpone major projects and rob precious hours or days from things I really enjoyed. "When will all of this end?" I used to ask myself. I held onto the hope that when I found the woman to whom I would remain committed for life, our love would crowd out all of the illicit sexual desires and I would be content.

I found that woman my senior year in college, and we were married three years later. But instead of subsiding, my illicit desires grew stronger. I moved from soft core to hardcore pornography. I started dialing 900 numbers and visiting prostitutes.

I hated myself for what I was doing, and I started looking for ways to stop. One counselor introduced me to the idea of sex addiction. Another told me that sex addiction did not exist, that I was going through a lot of stress. Though I was an agnostic, I even fell on my knees and prayed to God that He would take away my wrong desires, but nothing seemed to change. Over and over I swore to myself that I would quit, but after a few weeks of keeping clean, I would plunge deeper into these things, then convince myself again that I had done it for the last time.

Then in August, 1992, a few days after our second wedding anniversary, my wife uncovered my secret life. Tipped off by two strange phone calls and a phone bill that was way above normal, she went into a bedroom in our house that I used as an office and began digging up pornography, receipts from sex-related business, and women's phone numbers. For three days she confronted me with each piece she found. At the end she listed all of the things that I had kept hidden from her including uncontrollable lying and $10,000 spent on pornography, prostitution, and 900 numbers.

We were both devastated, she from the shattered trust of the five years we had known each other, and I from having my deepest, most intimate secrets torn from my insides and exposed to the light. She could not understand why I would spend such a large sum of money behind her back on these things. While all of the facts dictated that she should divorce me, she decided that divorce was not the solution and offered to remain married for the time being if we sought counseling together.

I began seeing a counselor with a small feeling of relief that finally everything could come out in the open, and while I deserved to pay dearly for the wrongs I had done, I would not be rejected. Besides his training in sex addiction, this counselor directed a support group for men who had sexual behaviors similar to my own. I was amazed to hear them share their sexual failures honestly and openly with one another. Over time our weekly counseling sessions and group meetings redefined my sexuality and my understanding of manhood.

My behavior changed tremendously as I participated in these meetings. Nevertheless, after a year and a half I had a growing sense of frustration that no matter how hard I tried, I would eventually fall. I could string together a few weeks or a couple months of sexual sobriety, but inevitably I would turn and run after the very things I had been trying to avoid. My frustration grew to depression and even left me feeling worse than my past activities had, for at least those used to bring me some kind of pleasure, whereas now I felt trapped in an endless cycle of false hopes and failures.

The cycle was broken in January 1994. A month earlier I had accepted an invitation to attend a men's Bible study. I was willing to admit the possibility that there was a God and that the Bible might have something to say about Him. In addition, I hoped that attending this study would help my graduate research. My first day there, I sat in a church sanctuary in the middle of 200 men whom I had never seen before. A mild-mannered, soft-spoken businessman came to the pulpit and asked everyone to turn to a particular hymn in the hymnals. Suddenly all 200 men jumped to their feet and sang out with all their hearts. I was stunned. I had never been around men who really wanted to be in church, and now I was surrounded by them. Immediately I realized that they had something with God that I did not have, and I wanted to know what it was.

As we studied chapters form the book of Matthew, I began to know Jesus Christ from His own words rather than from what other people told me about Him. I learned what it meant to relate to Him personally, and one January evening I allowed Him to take all my sins and failures on Himself at the cross and invited Him into my heart to guide everything I do.

Immediately my life changed. Sexual thoughts that I obsessed about every day for many years now left me for three or four days at a time. Those days felt like relaxing, paid vacations, even when I had to work and take care of other responsibilities. For the first time I did not feel compelled to engage in the wrong kinds of sexual behavior. I discovered that Jesus Christ used His power to break the things in my life that even counseling and support groups could not destroy.

Relating to Jesus Christ is not easy. I have related to people in destructive ways for nearly all of my life, and I bring a lot of bad relationship patterns into my interactions with Him. But He encourages me, teaches me patiently, and disciplines me with love as I learn to relate in love and truth with Him and with those around me.

He has shown me, for example, that I formed relationships from a feeling of low self-worth. I tried to build my self-worth through sex, sexual fantasies, achievements at work, and the admiration of others. None of those would raise my low self-worth for very long, and they led to self-centered, destructive relationships. Instead, Jesus Christ teaches me to stop defining myself by my feelings, experiences, and the words of others, and to put my trust in Him and His words.

He is the absolute authority in my life, and from that position He declares:

                                        Ken Kytle, Founder/Director Emeritus, Lost & Found Ministries

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