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(Week 1 of 7) Go to Week 2
From Sexual Sin to Sexual Purity
Week 1
by Ken Kytle
© 2000 by Ken Kytle
God is calling you from sexual sin to sexual purity.
This workbook is designed to help you understand and follow His call.
You are entering this accountability
agreement or group because you are suffering the effects of your sexual sin and
desire to change your behavior. God
does not want you to be in bondage to sexual sins, but His primary desire is not
to see you stop them. His primary desire is to have a loving, intimate
relationship with you. Your sexual sins are an obstacle to that
relationship. He desires not only to remove these behaviors, but many other
sinful behaviors and attitudes that restrict your relationship with Him.
As you relate intimately to God, He will grow within you the
character of His Son, Jesus Christ. Rather than merely stopping sinful
behaviors, He will grow within you something alive and active: the holiness,
sexual purity, and righteousness of His Son. This workbook will remind you to
look beyond the paltry, second-class prize, not engaging in sexual sin, and to
pursue the real prize: a vibrant, abundant relationship with God in which you
live out the character of Jesus Christ.
This workbook is structured to emphasize the importance of
intimate relationships in dealing with sexual sin. The first three weeks examine
in detail the parable of the Prodigal Son, focusing on the son's movement to a
renewed relationship with his father. The remaining four weeks survey the two
greatest commandments, both of which emphasize love and close relationships.
Throughout, you will be challenged to reveal openly before God and other men
your heart, mind, and actions as they relate to sexual sin.
Let's begin this study in prayer: Thank you, God, for loving us so much that you call us into an ongoing, intimate relationship with you. Thank you that in your desire to relate to us intimately, you love us enough to root out anything and everything that harms our relationship. Please use this workbook and all meetings associated with it to fulfill your desires. We pray this in the name of your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.
Section 1: The Prodigal Son
This section, lasting three weeks, examines in detail the first half of the parable of the prodigal son and applies it to your sexual sin. Read through Luke 15:11-24 now and reread it before each day's lesson in this section.
"And he [Jesus Christ] said, A certain man had two sons: And the younger of them said to his father, Father, give me the portion of goods that falleth to me. And he divided unto them his living. And not many days after the younger son gathered all together, and took his journey into a far country, and there wasted his substance with riotous living. And when he had spent all, there arouse a mighty famine in that land; an he began to be in want. And he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country; and he sent him into his fields to feed swine. And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat: and no man gave unto him. And when he came to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my father's have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants. And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him. And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son. But the father said to his servants, Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet: And bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry: For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry."
Week One
"And he began to be in want." (Luke 15:14b)
The prodigal son endured severe consequences because of his sin. This week we will look in detail at those consequences and compare them to the ones you have suffered from sexual sin. This will help lead you to a thoughtful response to the effects of sexual sin in your life.
Day 1
"And he began to be in want." (Luke 15:14b)
The prodigal son suffered four
consequences form his ins: financial loss, hunger, shame, and isolation. Verse
14b speaks of his financial loss. It was so severe that it caused him to suffer
bodily, even toward the point of starvation.
Men
who have been deeply involved in sexual sin often suffer financial and physical
losses. Read through this list and mark as honestly and completely as you can
the financial and physical losses you have endured because of sexual sin.
Financial losses:
About $ _________ over ______ months/years spent for sexual sin itself.
Money or goods given to gain or maintain a sexual partner ____________________________
fines or settlements ____________________________________________________________
Add these to calculate total amount spent: _______________
Financially related losses:
Bills that were unpaid or remain unpaid due to sexual sin ________________________________
Calls or letters from creditors _____________________________________________________
Bad credit rating or bankruptcy ____________________________________________________
Money borrowed to cover sex-related debts __________________________________________
Loss of time and productivity: approximately ___________________ hours/days/months/years
Projects not completed or rushed due to sexual behavior _______________________________
Inability to concentrate on work ____________________________________________________
Physical losses:
Decreased sensitivity to sexual stimuli ______________________________________________
Injury suffered from sexual activity __________________________________________________
Put oneself or others in physical danger ______________________________________________
Venereal disease or HIV __________________________________________________________
Fear of having caught venereal disease or HIV ________________________________________
Others exposed to disease _______________________________________________________
Attempted suicide ______________________________________________________________
As
mentioned above, the prodigal son suffered severe consequences because of his
sin. Nevertheless, his financial and physical poverty became the first turning
point to a renewed relationship with his father.
If
you find that you are distressed when considering the financial and physical
losses from your sexual sin, turn to your Heavenly Father right now and depend
on Him in prayer for wisdom to deal with them.
Day 2
"And he went and joined
himself to a citizen of that country; and he sent him
into his fields to feed
swing." (Luke 15:15)
Financial loss
and hunger were the first two consequences to the prodigal son's sin. In order
to remedy these, he became a hired servant. To us, this may sound like a
reasonable option; to a first-century Jew, it was horrifying. The prodigal son
was a Jew, a son of Abraham, one of the chosen people of God, and here he was
hiring himself out to a Gentile! And as if that were not degrading enough, he
was sent to feed swine, an unclean animal. The prodigal son had to compromise
his ethnicity and his holiness or cleanliness to alleviate the financial effects
of his sin: the prodigal son suffered shame.
Non-biblical
counseling gives a few definitions of shame and how it relates to sexual sin.
None of those are intended here. In the Bible, shame is the loss of reputation,
position, or self-respect due to one's behavior. It leaves a feeling of
humiliation.
Men who have sinned sexually
often suffer shame and humiliation from their sins. Read through this list and
note as completely as possible the losses of reputation, position, or
self-respect you have suffered because of sexual sin.
Career related losses:
Inappropriate relationships noticed by co-workers or clients________________________________________________________________
Loss of credibility with co-workers, employees, or superiors ______________________________________________________________________________
Loss of clients due to inappropriate behavior __________________________________________________________________
Sexual harassment complaints ___________________________________________________
Fear of sexual harassment complaints _______________________________________________________________________________
Threat of loosing job ______________________________________________________________
Loss of promotion, job, or career ______________________________________________________________________________
Loss of reputation
Public exposure of sexual sins _______________________________________________________________________
Fear of public exposure of sexual sins ____________________________________________________________________________
Avoided gatherings or appearing in public due to feeling guilty or hypocritical ______________________________________________________________________________
Left church/community due to sexual sins _______________________________________________________________________________
Loss of respect and credibility of family members __________________________________________________________________________________
Loss of self-respect _________________________________________________________________________
The prodigal son suffered shame and humiliation because of his sins. But he did not let it lead to self-pity. Instead, he grew to a more realistic, sobering view of himself before God and his father. If you have undergone shame and humiliation because of your sexual sins. ask the Lord in prayer right now to lead you to a more humble, realistic view of yourself and to prevent wounded pride or self-pity from entering hour heart.
Day 3
"And he sent him into his
fields to feed swine...and no man gave unto him."
(Luke 15:15b, 16b)
Besides
poverty, hunger, shame, and humiliation, the prodigal son suffered isolation. He
had no relationships that brought physical help, companionship or encouragement;
instead, he found rejection. This was his choice in part: he had left the
relationships that would have been most meaningful to him in order to pursue
sin. Another part was not his choice: apparently he was surrounded by people who
had no interest in his well being, people who valued swine more than him.
Men who are engaged in
sexual sin often suffer isolation. Frequently this is the consequence of their
pursuit of sin: they turn away from relationships that can bring them the most
help and encouragement. On the other hand, others may reject them because of
their sexual sin or its consequences. This brings a self imposed and
other-imposed loneliness that cries out for more sexual sin to relieve it.
Read
the list below and recall completely the isolation and loneliness you have
suffered due to your sexual sins. whether by your choice or by the choice of
others.
Relational loses:
Separation or divorce ________________________________________________________________
Loss of custody of children _________________________________________________________________________
Loss of active role in parenting children _____________________________________________________________
Severed relationships with family members ______________________________________________________________
Neglected relationships with family members ________________________________________________
Severed friendships _______________________________________________________________
Neglected friendships _____________________________________________________________
Pursued unwanted relationships instead of helpful ones ______________________________________________________________________
Fathered children out of wedlock ____________________________________________________________________
Encouraged a partner to get an abortion ___________________________________________________________
The prodigal son suffered isolation and rejection as a result of his sexual sin. Your sexual sins may have released devastating consequences onto your relationships with people who are most dear to you. If you are in sorrow over broken relationships, turn again to your Heavenly Father and place them in His hands. Hold fast to His promise in Romans 8:38, 39 that nothing, absolutely nothing, will separate us from His love in Christ Jesus.
Day 4
"There [he] wasted his
substance with riotous living. And when he had spent all,
there arose a mighty
famine in that land. . . And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks
that the swing did eat." (Luke 15: 13b, 14, 16)
One
would thing that with all the devastating consequences sexual sins can bring, no
one would engage in them. But leaving sexual sin is not that simple. They bring
severe consequences but a great deal of pleasure, too. Riotous living is fun!
Somewhere
in verses 13-17, the prodigal son closes the door to his immediate past. He
leaves its pleasures and does not go back. Mostly, his circumstances made that
decision for him: his poverty and a famine prevented his living in sin. However,
he also made a decision to leave that lifestyle. He could have sat alongside the
pigpen remembering the good old days when he had a lot of cash. He could have
swapped stories about his recent past with the other servants. But somewhere in
the parable he chooses to leave behind the pleasures of his in and focus on the
reality at hand.
You may suffer tremendous
losses from your sexual sins. You may cause severe pain in the lives of others.
But while you pursue these sins, you also derive great pleasure from them. When
you fantasize or engage in sexual acts, which of these pleasures do they provide
for you? Mark them and give specific examples.
My sexual sins:
_____ Are a friend when I am lonely
_____ Give me a thrill and sense of risk when I am bored
_____ Satisfy my curiosity
_____ Calm me when I am angry
_____ Let me vent my anger
_____ Help me regain control when I feel overwhelmed
_____ Relax me when I am tense
_____ Relax me when I am burned out
_____ Medicate painful feelings or physical pain
_____ Give great physical pleasure
_____ Let me fall asleep at night
_____ Give me something to do when I have nothing else to do
_____ Help me concentrate when I have difficult work to do
_____ Let me avoid relationships
_____ Let me avoid difficult circumstances
_____ Give me a sense of power and control over others
_____ make me feel better than others (more experienced, knowledgeable, satisfied, etc.)
_____ Give me affection, appreciation, and esteem of others
_____ Make me feel accepted or loved
_____ Make me feel more like a man
_____ Make me feel more like everyone else
_____ My sexual sins are something that I do without thinking about it
_____ Other
When you commit to change from
sexual sin to sexual purity, you give up the pleasures you received from your
sins. Instead, you seek contentment and thankfulness in the pleasures of sexual
purity and a closer relationship with God and others. That is a tremendous
change. At first, sexual purity does not feel as good as sexual sin! Also, pain
and discomfort such as loneliness, anger, boredom, difficult circumstances, etc.
will continue, begging for a sexual release to make the feelings go away. Are
you really willing to close the door on the use of sexual activity to deal with
them? Think about it: you may have been using sex in these ways for many years.
Are you honestly willing to leave these pleasures behind?
Day 5
"And he would fain have filled
his belly with the husks that the swine did eat:
and no man gave unto him."
(Luke 15:16)
The prodigal son felt poverty,
hunger, shame, and loneliness because of his sin. His desires were reduced
drastically from the desire for riotous living to the desire just to eat pig
food. And along with these he learned one more lesson: he had no authority,
power, or influence to change his situation.
He
would not change the famine. He could not regain the money he had spent or find
a new inheritance. he could not persuade others to give him food. Before, when
he had money , he could use it to meet his basic needs, fulfill his desired or
possibly even manipulate others. Now, with his money gone, he had no influence
over anybody.
Men who engage in sexual sin
find many ways to influence or manipulate others to fulfill their sexual
desires, intensify their sexual fantasies, boost their feelings of self-esteem,
or cover up their sexual sin. Read through the following list. Mark the ones
that you have used for these purposes, and explain how you have used them.
Money / possessions
Physical appearance
Social contacts
Job / position of authority
Intelligence / degrees / titles
Ability to communicate well / humor / flattery / flirting / lying
Promises / bargaining with God
Withholding love or communication
Insults / verbally belittling others
Criticizing others / public humiliation of others
Legal threats
Physical abuse
Some men, like the prodigal son, lose
their ability to influence others. They come face to face with their
powerlessness and feel inconsequential, humiliated, and isolated. Others must
learn how to lay down their manipulative ways by their own choice. Rather than
acting like kings in their own sexual empires, they must learn to humble
themselves, respecting God's authority and the integrity of other people.
Are
you willing to lay aside the tools that you have used to manipulate others for
your sexual pleasure and self-esteem?
Day 6
"And when he had spent all,
there arose a mighty famine in that land; and he began
to be in want. And he
went and joined himself to a citizen of that country; and he sent him into his
fields to feed swine. And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks
that the swine did eat: an no man gave unto him." (Luke 15: 14-16)
Briefly
review all of the consequences of your sexual sin that you noted this week.
Consider the damage or potential harm this sin has done to your finances, your
body, your reputation, your career, your self-respect, and your relationships,
even those who are most dear to you. Realize that these consequences may not be
removed or lessened as you leave your sexual sins. Other people may not choose
to restore trust or relationships with you, return money or a job to you, give
you your health back, etc. Severe consequences from your past actions may
continue.
Recall how you have used the
pleasures of sexual sin for purposes other than the expression of love. Review
the ways you have manipulated others to fulfill your sexual desires, raise your
self-esteem or cover up your sexual sin. Are you willing to let go of all of
these with God's help?
Write down in your
own words what you have learned this week. If the Lord leads you to do so, write
down a prayer, perhaps a prayer of commitment, or of surrender, or one seeking
His wisdom, however He leads you.
While you are studying this workbook:
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